Invasion of the Topes

You may find this story hard to believe, but you don’t understand — in Mexico, anything is possible.

The van slowed and lurched as we drove over a hump in the road, a ‘Tope’ as we call them here. This was the 17th Tope we’d encountered on the road from Huatulco on the West Coast to Pueblo, near Mexico city, and we’d only been driving for 20 minutes.

Relatives of the Mexican Tope have been observed in other parts of the world. Australians have imaginatively dubbed theirs ’speed bumps’. The British prefer to anthropomorphize theirs, calling them ‘silent policemen’. Like their human counterparts, these ‘silent policemen’ do not carry weapons and are generally very polite and helpful. They are accompanied by clearly visible warning signs, are thoughtfully located to protect pedestrians and children, and are navigable without damage to the undercarriage of your car. Just to be clear, I’m talking about the silent policemen here, not actual British police officers.

But despite their superficial resemblance, Mexican Topes could hardly be more different. They vary greatly in size, signage, level of aggressiveness and sanity of location. The milder specimens, beaten into submission through years of combat with automobile suspension systems, may inflict little more than an invigorating lurch. The younger, more vital Topes on the other hand, delight in scratching out the innards of your vehicle and can maim a truck at fifty paces. They should be approached with extreme caution from an oblique angle. This keeps your undercarriage higher off the ground and confuses the Tope as it can only attack one wheel of your vehicle at a time, maximizing your chances of survival.

It is not always easy to spot a Mexican Tope, and often, by the time you do, it is too late. Warning signs, where present, are inconsistent and obscure. The Mexican Tope is a master of disguise, concealing its warning sign behind bushes, lurking in the shadows of trees in the hope that an unwary driver will hit the Tope at high speed and it will score yet another ‘kill.’

Mexican Topes were originally released into the wild in a misguided effort to curb the rashness of the reckless Mexican drivers. But as is often the case when alien species are introduced to try to correct an environmental imbalance, this experiment went sadly awry. Inevitably some Topes went feral. Since then they have propagated throughout the highway system, forcing the native traffic lights into retreat and replacing them across most of the country.

Evolutionary Advantages of the Mexican Tope over its native competitor, the Mexican Traffic Signal

1. Traffic lights, ha ha ha! Around here, no-one takes them seriously. The average Mexican driver affords a traffic light the authority of a Christmas Tree decoration. But no smart Mexican laughs at a Tope. Ignore one of these at your peril.

2. Topes have no moving parts so they are easy to repair and extremely hard to kill. Traffic lights, on the other hand, are weak and defenseless. They can be shot at and easily toppled with the aid of lassos and horses.

As a result, the considerably prettier native variety is now on the endangered species list.

What is the origin of this alien menace? From which noisome habitat did this aggressive beast first emerge? According to some scientists they originated in the fabled land of Atlantis. Along with leprechauns, minotaurs, Bigfoot, and crop circle people. There, they postulate, the ancestor of the deadly Tope was spawned through genetic meddling. But the Tope, unlike its mythological cousins, quietly survived, lurking in obscurity for centuries, awaiting its moment whilst evolving into its present terrible form. Finally, their patience was rewarded. They saw the opportunity to occupy this unique ecological niche in the center of Mexican roadways. Once introduced the Tope quickly rose to the top of the food chain and came to dominate one of the most challenging environments in the world.

A master of survival, the Tope has developed a symbiotic relationship with its prey. A close examination of the immediate surroundings of any particularly large and savage specimen will reveal the presence of a muffler repair shop, several thriving vehicle maintenance services, motels, restaurants, sometimes even a hospital. Some optimistic Economists believe that the much reviled Tope could end up being the salvation of the flagging Mexican economy.

The debate continues. Is the Mexican Tope friend or foe? Time alone will tell.