Muons Are Our Friends
I think muons are my new favourite subatomic particle. It’s mainly because of the name. They sound so cute! It makes me think of a cross between a kitten and a panda bear, only smaller.
Author’s Note: I do know this is a biological impossibility, because pandas are not real bears.
I read that about 1000 muons pass through my head every second. Just to be sure I counted and I can confirm that this is true. There are also about 1000 muons passing through your head every second. But there is no cause for alarm. These are different muons than the ones that pass through my head. Almost definitely. My muons are my personal, private muons. They don’t bother me and they don’t bite. They are very polite and just go about their business without disturbing anyone.
Muons, like the more popular electron, are a kind of lepton, which is a cross between a leprechaun and a butterfly. I’ll bet you didn’t know that before I told you.
I was concerned to learn that muons have a serious weight problem. That’s right, muons are embarrassingly substantial. A muon is in many ways similar to its electron cousin, but it weighs about 250 times as much! Scientists are still trying to understand whether the cause is genetic or simply a result of poor lifestyle choices. The muons themselves won’t talk about it.
But let us not be too hasty to judge these overweight subatomic particles. After all, does not scripture instruct us to not cast the first stone, when we might have a leprechaun in our own eye. Or something like that. It’s biblical, so needs some interpretation.
Anyway, Muons deserve our love, and apparently our gratitude. They can be very helpful. We’ve already used muons to discover a hidden room inside one of the Great Pyramids. Given how serious the housing crisis is, this seems like an important breakthrough. And now scientists are conducting tests to see if muons can help predict volcanic eruptions. Looks like there are some pretty smart muons out there!
In summary: To paraphrase George Bernard Shaw, Muons are my friends and I don’t eat my friends.
I hope you find my science column enlightening. If you do, you might want to leave a like, or a clap, or a share, or a… something. Perhaps some valuable jewelry…